I know the rest of you have lives and all that, but I just love this time of year.
The promise of a new season of TV, new characters to fall in love with and worry about and many more anon characters who will go under some medical examiner’s knife and be the butt of awkwardly telegraphed autopsy jokes on any one of the forensic dramas. Ah, television, you never let me down
So what have we got here? We have dates people! Fill in your calendars. Bookmark this page and check it twice a day. You technophobes with no home computers can print this out at work and tape it to the coffee table at home. You are welcome.
Of course I’ll also be making my lofty pronouncements on the new shows, whether the publicity gods have sent previews or not. And I might even weigh in on returning shows. There were so damn many fine cliffhangers (Violet’s baby on Private Practice? House’s Sixth Sense breakdown? And OMG someone in Heroes who was bad is now good, but wait they’re bad again)? Okay that last part was pure sarcasm. Anyway, here’s the list. I will make the usual promise to update it, but as you know, I’m not always good for that. My heart’s in the right place though. I’ll do what I can. If you’ve got a question about anything here, I’m sitting at home staring at my email inbox, just waiting to help you. Most of the time.
Paradise Falls: Season 3, 9:30 p.m. ET on Showcase
Star Portraits (new) at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo!
Thirteen celebrities, one a week, have their portrait painted by three Canadian artists. Guests will include actor Enrico Colantoni, musician Ashley MacIsaac, Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek, comedian Colin Mochrie and Senator Romeo Dallaire.
King of the Hill series finale, 8 p.m. ET on Fox
Weeds: Season 5, 10 p.m. ET on Showcase
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 4, 1:30 a.m. on Showcase
The Foundation (new), 10:40 p.m. ET on Showcase
The Dr. Oz Show (new), 5 p.m. ET weekdays on CTV
Oprah’s medical expert finally gets his own show.
Gossip Girl: Season 3, 9 p.m. ET on A Channel* (moves to 8 p.m. ET on Sept. 21)
Junk Raiders (new), 9 p.m. ET on Discovery Channel
Professional handymen and “free”cyclers comb through trash to outfit a new loft space.
Jay Leno Show (new), 10 p.m. ET on NBC
First guests include Jerry Seinfeld, Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West.
Bones: Season 5, 8 p.m. ET on Fox
Fringe: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on A Channel*
Survivor: Samoa, 8 p.m. ET on CBS
Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday (new), 8 p.m. ET on NBC and at 9:30 p.m. ET on Global
Guest-starring for first two episodes is Amy Poehler.
Parks and Recreation: Season 2, 8:30 p.m. ET on NBC
The Office: Season 6, 9 p.m. ET on NBC
Community (new), 9:30 p.m. ET on NBC
Life in a community college, starring Joel McHale and Chevy Chase.
Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 7, 9 p.m. ET on HBO Canada
Bored to Death (new), 9:30 p.m. ET on HBO Canada
Jason Schwartzman plays a part-time sleuth. Zach Galifianakis plays the voice of reason?! Ted Danson is a sage/crazy person/rich guy.
Heroes: Season 4, 8-10 p.m. ET
House: Season 6, 8-10 p.m. ET on Fox and Global
Dancing with the Stars: Season 9, 8-10 p.m. ET on ABC and CTV
How I Met Your Mother: Season 5, 8 p.m. ET on CBS
Accidentally On Purpose (new), 8:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Two and a Half Men: Season 7, 9 p.m. ET on CBS and A Channel*
Big Bang Theory: Season 3, 9:30 p.m. ET on CBS and A Channel*
Castle: Season 2, 10 p.m. ET on ABC and A Channel*
CSI Miami: Season 8, 10 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
NCIS: Season 7, 8 p.m. ET on CBS and Global
NCIS: Los Angeles (new), 9 p.m. ET on CBS and Global
More crime-solving, this one starring LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell.
The Mentalist: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on CTV (moving to 10 p.m. ET on Oct. 1) * Note this series’ season debuts on Sept. 24 on CBS.
Being Erica: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on CBC
The Good Wife (new), 10 p.m. ET on CBS and Global
Julianne Margulies is the wife. Chris Noth is the disgraced and now jailed husband.
Law and Order: SVU: Season 11, 10 p.m. ET on CTV
The Forgotten (new), 10 p.m. ET on ABC
Drama about crew that works to put names to unidentified remains. Christian Slater stars.
Mercy (new), 8 p.m. ET on NBC
If you’ve seen Nurse Jackie, you know we need more nurse dramas. You got it.
The New Adventures of Old Christine: Season 5, 8 p.m. ET on CBS
Gary Unmarried: Season 2, 8:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Criminal Minds: Season 5, 9 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
Law and Order: SVU: Season 11, 10 p.m. ET on NBC
Modern Family (new), 9 p.m. ET on ABC
Three families, one codger played by Ed O’Neill.
Cougar Town (new), 9:30 p.m. ET on ABC
Courteney Cox is a cougar. And not the kind that menaced Kim back a few seasons in 24.
CSI: New York: Season 6, 10 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
Eastwick (new), 10 p.m. ET on ABC and A Channel*
Paul Gross is a devilish guy, who has to deal with three witchy-type women.
FlashForward (new), 8 p.m. ET on ABC and A Channel*
Everyone everywhere blacks out for a few seconds and sees a snippet of their futures. Too bad some of them were driving or flying planes at the time of the blackout.
CSI: Season 10, 8 p.m. ET on CTV and at 9 p.m. ET on CBS
Grey’s Anatomy: Season 6, 9-11 p.m. ET on ABC and CTV
The Mentalist: Season 2, 10 p.m. ET on CBS
Brothers (new), 7 p.m. ET on Fox
Two brothers. One’s a former pro athlete. The other one’s a wiseacre in a wheelchair.
Ghost Whisperer: Season 5, 8 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
Law and Order: Season 20, 8 p.m. ET on NBC and A Channel*
The Ron James Show (new), 8 p.m. ET on CBC
Canadian comedian hosts a show anchored by his standup, comic letters to N.B. and sketches. Filmed in front of a live audience in Toronto.
Medium: Season 6, 9 p.m. ET on CBS and A Channel*
Dollhouse: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on Fox and Global
Numb3rs: Season 6, 10 p.m. ET on CBS and Global
Flashpoint: Season 3, 10 p.m. ET on CTV
Saturday Night Live: Season 35, 11:30 p.m. ET on NBC and Global
Desperate Housewives: Season 6, 7 p.m. ET on CTV (moving to 9 p.m. ET on Oct. 4) and at 9 p.m. ET on ABC
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Season 6, 7-9 p.m. ET on ABC
The Amazing Race: Season 15, 8-10 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
Smallville: Season 9, 8 p.m. ET on Space
The Simpsons: Season 20, 8 p.m. ET on Fox and Global
The Cleveland Show (new), 8:30 p.m. ET on Fox
You know, it’s the guy from Family Guy. Yeah. That guy. Getting his own show.
Family Guy: Season 8, 9 p.m. ET on Fox
American Dad: Season 5, 9:30 p.m. ET on Fox
Brothers & Sisters: Season 4, 10 p.m. on ABC and Global
Cold Case: Season 7, 10 p.m. ET on CBS and CTV
Dexter: Season 4, 10 p .m. ET on the Movie Network
National Parks: time tba on PBS
Ken Burns’ latest multipart documentary. Cue the pan across beautiful old photos, set to lovely music.
Lie to Me: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on Fox
Little Mosque on the Prairie: Season 4, 8 p.m. ET on CBC
Trauma (new), 9 p.m. ET on NBC
Guest stars have very bad days. Emergency responders are on the job.
Californication: Season 3, 10 p.m. ET on the Movie Network
Hank (new), 8 p.m. ET on ABC
OMG is that Kelsey Grammer in another sitcom about a poncy guy taken down a notch?
Dragon’s Den: Season 4, 8 p.m. ET on CBC
The Middle (new), 8:30 p.m. on ABC
Middle (hmm) class family in middle (wha?) American headed by mid-life (wait a minute!) mom. If this show is middling, that will be way too much. Stars Patricia Heaton.
The Tudors: Season 3, 9 p.m. ET on CBC
Til Death: Season 4, 8:30 p.m. ET on Fox
Battle of the Blades (new) 8:30 p.m. ET on CBC
The Border: Season 3, 9 p.m. ET on CBC
Ugly Betty: Season 4, 8-10 p.m. ET on ABC
30 Rock: Season 4, 9:30 p.m. ET
Southland: Season 2, 9 p.m. ET on NBC and CTV
Oct., date tba
Lock ‘N Load (new)
Non-fiction series about life in a gunshop, on The Movie Network
V (new), 8 p.m. ET on ABC
Remake of the old series about seemingly friendly aliens arriving and making themselves cozy. Until a few smart humans get suspicious.
The Wanda Wykes Show (new talk show) 11 p.m. ET on Fox
Kenny vs. Spenny: Season 6, 11 p.m. ET on Showcase
November, dates tba
Crash & Burn (new), Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on Showcase
Insurance adjuster in Hamilton. Madcap crime solving. Paul Gross is exec producer, Clark Johnson (Homicide) stars alongside Luke Kirby (Mambo Italiano)
Convoy, a four-part documentary look at WWII’s Battle of the Atlantic on History Television
24: Season 8, 9 p.m. ET on Fox and Global
Lost: Season 6, time and date tba
Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures, on The Movie Network
Based on the short-story collection by Vincent Lam
The Pacific (new miniseries)
The WWII followup to Band of Brother
* A Channel is available to Montreal-area viewers on Bell TV, but not on Videotron.